There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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