I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
