First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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