I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
