You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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