my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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