got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
