I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
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