I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
