i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Randomize
