Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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