I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Randomize
