You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
