i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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