If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
