Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Randomize