he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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