Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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