There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
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