JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
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