I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
