Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Randomize
