You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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