I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Randomize
