my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
