Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
