mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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