College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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