what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
