I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Randomize
