so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
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