oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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