Already got asked if we're dating
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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