There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
Randomize
