420 ftw
so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
