Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
