I am midnight drunk by noon
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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