new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
