I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
