I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
