I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
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