Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
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