just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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