gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
