He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
