I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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