How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
