when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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