when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
