Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
