I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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