his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
