You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Randomize
