She went from zero to smokin in five shots
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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