I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The struggles of a small town man whore
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
