I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
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