it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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