the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
