How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
