You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
You can't motorboat a personality
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
