You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
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