Cold hands, warm shart.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Randomize
