so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
