I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I have aggressive nipples.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Randomize
