That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
