Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
